Tag Archives: wedded bliss

Knot to Nest

27 Apr

During the time that Steve and I were planning our wedding, I signed up on a mailing list for something called The Knot. For the uninitiated, The Knot is one of those horrendously expensive bridal magazines that’s full of tips on what sort of wedding favours are “in” this season and which twenty-thousand dollar dress is best suited to your body type. And of course, they have an extensive website through which you can purchase said trendy wedding favours, partake of the Bridezilla-laden message boards, set up a wedding website of your very own… and sign up for the mailing list. Which is what I did.

An interesting thing happened after my wedding day. In the months, weeks, and days leading up to September 20th, they sent me information that was actually relevant and useful. Little reminders as to what should already be done at what point in time, handy checklists, and so on. It helped to give order to the chaos. However, after September 20th, something strange happened. The Knot suddenly became The Nest. And what does The Nest send me?

Helpful information about how I can salvage my marriage, which has obviously been crumbling since day one.

I rarely bother reading The Nest newsletters, and yet I don’t unsubscribe, because sometimes they send something I find deeply, deeply amusing. Within two weeks of the wedding, they’d sent me information on how to spice up my now-boring sex life. Today they sent me an article all about how I can use my husband’s body language to determine if… or rather, when… he’s lying to me.

Who are these women that are marrying lying, cheating men who are bad in bed?

There’s this weird cultural myth that tells us, once you get married, everything gets shot to hell. Where does that come from? There are references everywhere to the supposed fact that everything changes after the wedding night, from sexless-marriage jokes on sitcoms to all the people who have been asking “So… how’s married life?” like it’s somehow vastly different from engaged-and-living-together life. It hasn’t been. For me at least.

I’m really curious where the marriage-as-your-doom thing comes from. Is it pop culture peer pressure? An antiquated holdover from the days that it was taboo for an unmarried couple to live together (and thus, things would have changed radically after the wedding)? Something the media makes us believe so they can get us to buy their self-help magazines? Some combination thereof?

For the record, married life is actually really awesome.

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Oh, Husband…

27 Apr

Hiiiiii guyyyyyys. I know, I know… it’s been a long time. Wrist slap! But let’s get over that and move on, because I have a story for you, and I think it’s going to make you laugh.

Steve has a tendency to hog the bed. He’ll deny this up and down, but Brownies Honour, you guys, he always manages to position himself smack dab in the centre of the mattress at some point (usually several points) in the night.

So tonight, I find him mashed up against me as per usual, so I give him a gentle nudge and say “Sweetie, you can’t have the whole bed”. He grumbles a little in his sleep, rolls from his side onto his back, granting me a little more room… then he reaches over and, no word of a lie, swats me on the bum. Not hard or anything (might I remind you that he is 100%, wholly, entirely asleep at this moment), but a swat definitely took place. So I made this face…

o_O

…and I said to him, “Did you just spank me?”. And I promise you, his response was a laugh rendered no less devilish by the fact that he was out like a light.

Say it with me, everyone… MLIA!