Tag Archives: getting old

I Read A Book and Now I’m Mad!

17 Apr

Yesterday I randomly pulled a book from my shelf and began to read it. Well, re-read it. The book in question (which I will not name because it’s sort of embarrassingly bad) was one that I adored in high school. You know the books that you read several times in a row and carry with you for months because they resonate with you so much? When I was 16, this was one of those books for me.

Please take into account that when I was 16, I was also goth. I did not make the best choices at 16. Anyway…

So I selected this book and delved into it and spent the better part of my day reading. By the time I was, oh, about a third of the way through, I realized something: this book is responsible for having shaped approximately 73% of my adult personality.

I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.

Yesterday, it made me really mad… mad about what, I couldn’t say. All I knew is that I was pissed off and crawling out of my skin, so I went for a drive, and I bought shoes, and I sort of flirted with the too-young-for-me-anyways-and-either-way-I’m-married salesguy, and he sort of flirted back, and for a moment I was like “…still got it!” but then I went right back to being mad about nothing again. And I drove and I felt boxed in by the very city I live in and have always lived in… like I wouldn’t allow myself to drive beyond certain roads or highway exits, lest I get lost or end up somewhere too far away in a fit of complete insanity.

Adult life is so strange because you have things like credit cards and a car and you honestly could just abandon it all and take off at a moment’s notice to start over somewhere new, if that’s what you really wanted. When I was in high school, I found out that this kid I went to elementary school with, his mom had met some guy online and she had taken off to Texas to go be with him. Just up and abandoned her family. I would never, never do that (I think it’s monstrous), but it’s strange to think about how easy that was for her to do, and how anybody with a way to get around and a means of paying for it all can just… go. (Incidentally, when I say easy, I don’t mean emotionally… I mean just physically moving from place to place, anywhere in the world you want to go. Difficult as a child, incredibly simple as an adult. I could fly to Azerbaijan tomorrow if I wanted to.)

I’m not sure what any of this means, really… if I should quit my job or go back to school or go back to playing guitar or travel or go on mood stabilizers or just never, never read that book ever again. In any case, it’s interesting to think about. So many people, myself included, complain about feeling stuck or trapped or tethered, but it’s actually very easy to just cut loose and go try to make a name for yourself somewhere else, in some other circumstance. So what is it that we feel tethered by, exactly, and how do we go about breaking away from that? If we even should?

Questions, questions…

You’d really laugh at me if you knew what book it was that had me in this state of mind, just by the way.

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How Does Anybody Ever Figure It Out…?

29 Jan

Hey world. Wassup?

I’m feeling melancholy today. Some days, I really get down on myself over my sucky, minimum-wage paying job. I like to think I’m a fairly intelligent person, so I wonder sometimes how I got to be this close to 30 and still have no idea what it is that I want to do with my life. Sure, I’ve toyed with different ideas (the most recent being to go to teacher’s college and become a high school English and Social Sciences teacher), but nothing ever feels totally right. And having it not feel right makes me skeptical about investing time and money in pursuing it. What if I get there and it’s awful? Worse, what if I get there, and I’m not cut out for it?

It makes me wonder how anyone finds a job, ever. I know a handful of people in my situation, pushing 30 and no career to speak of yet, but I wouldn’t say it’s the norm. Everybody else just seems so… established. Regular hours, benefits, weekends off… why am I not there yet? What am I doing wrong?

Part of it is just not really knowing where to begin. My C.V. is a mess. I’m not even certain what my particular skill set is, never mind what I could be doing to improve upon it and make myself a generally more impressive human being. And how does a person go about applying for a real, grown-up job anyway? How do you figure out who’s even hiring? I’ve heard of the “hidden job market” but where the hell is it hiding and with so many people out of work right now, why won’t it just come out and show itself?? If you do somehow manage to tap into this hidden market, how do you apply? Surely you don’t just march into an office building and ask if a manager’s on duty. And even if you did, how would you go about deciding if they’re the sort of people you really want to work for in the first place? And why am I the only one who finds this all so confusing??

Maybe I should just auction off my future on Ebay. Highest bidder gets to determine the course of my life… where I’ll live, what education I’ll receive, what sort of job-seeing techniques I will utilize… but in the meantime, if anybody reading this has managed to figure it all out, please, let me know what you did and how you did it!

Something Is Wrong With My Brain

19 Aug

So, I’ve been having this weird experience lately, where I’m… stupider than usual. And my base level of intelligence is not such that I can afford to randomly lose brain power.

Basically what’s happening, is I’m carrying on like a doddering octogenarian. I’ll start doing something, but get sidetracked, and then completely lose track of what I was doing to begin with. I’m forgetting words. I’m forgetting events. I borrowed a screwdriver from my mom the other day, and when I saw her later that same day, she asked me where I put it… I was like “I dunno, I can’t remember where I put it down when I got in last night.” She then spent at least five minutes trying to convince me I had picked it up that very morning. Stuff like that.

I’m tempted to blame the heat, or being dehydrated, or the all-crap diet that I subsisted on for the duration of my stay with my parents… but I honestly don’t know. Maybe I just really am getting old.